Therapist explains why we need to stop treating parents like babies who can’t grow

Jeff Guenther points out that elderly parents being stubborn in their ways plays a role in shifting the family dynamic, but they do have the capacity to change.

It is said that you cannot teach old dogs new tricks. And the elderly often use the proverb to justify their disinclination to change their behaviour. However, according to Jeff Guenther, therapist and couples counsellor with over 20 years of experience, the excuse is not good enough.

It all started with a Wall Street Journal article published on September 26, titled, Why Are So Many Adults Cutting Off Their Parents?, which made the case that family estrangement was rising in the United States on account of shifting cultural norms in modern times. To an extent, it deemed the grown-up children responsible for this shift.

Speaking out on the subject, Jeffrey stated that the elderly parents cannot simply disregard their role in the situation. “We need to stop treating parents like babies who can't grow. Your mom figured out Facebook Marketplace. She can figure out how to get curious when you tell her that she hurt you,” he stated.

The therapist noted that in articles like the one published in the WSJ, it is the children who have to change or toughen up or stop calling out toxic behaviour, while the parents are allowed the leeway of not changing their behaviour.

“Why does the parent just get to stay how they are? She's 70. She's not going to change. We say that like it's a medical fact. And that is so weird. Nobody says it about a 30-year-old,” noted Jeffrey, adding that changing the relationship dynamic is an understandable result in this situation.

Even parents can grow

In the words of Jeffrey, “As a family therapist, I have watched people in their 60s genuinely apologise for the first time in their lives. It's usually clumsy and takes a few tries, but they can actually do it. And when they do, the kids are shockingly patient because they want a relationship with their mom or dad.”

Jeffrey noted that almost everybody wants to have a good relationship with their parents. Even when there is abuse, if a parent can really and truly own the hurt they caused and actually start showing up differently, the therapist noted that most adult kids “will meet them there more gracious than they probably have to be.”

What is causing the problem?

What ends up causing the rift in the family is how the parent is acting right now, getting defensive and refusing to do anything differently, shared the therapist. “A lot of kids would have worked through the weird thing in 1998 with you, but then last Friday, you did it again and called the kid dramatic,” he quipped.

Jeffrey highlighted that one of the researchers in that Wall Street Journal article found that people stay in family relationships when there's accountability and growth, intentional connection, mutual respect, and emotional safety. “Growth is on that list,” he noted.

“The kids are asking their parents to grow, and the article treats that like a crisis. Acting like your parent can't handle this is kind of insulting to them, honestly. They're grown adults, and plenty of them do actually change. You don't hear about those parents, though, because they're not at a conference of other parents who have gotten estranged. They're at brunch with their kid,” stated the therapist.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.

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Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor's degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.