Stop (s)mothering Me
So her loving and caring personality was what attracted you and, not surprisingly, you hit it off instantly. But a few months down the line you realised that your happy-go-lucky girl has transformed into a complete control freak. As if your own mom wasn’t enough, how do you deal with your partner turning into another?india Updated: Jun 15, 2012 17:34 IST
So her loving and caring personality was what attracted you and, not surprisingly, you hit it off instantly. But a few months down the line you realised that all is not well. Your happy-go-lucky girl has transformed into a complete control freak who believes she knows what’s best for you. Now you wear what she picks out for you, eat what she wants you to eat and do what she asks you to do. Everyone loves being taken care of, but where do you draw the line?
Jonathan David, a 25-year-old city-based photographer, does not mind being pampered by his girlfriend.
He says, “I don’t usually like being told what to do, but I know she means well. I think it’s her way of showing love. And unless it gets too irritating to handle, I am okay with being pampered.”
However, women have a completely different idea about this “habit’’.
“When a girl likes someone, she just wants him to feel comfortable and be healthy, so she makes sure her guy is well -fed, well-clothed etc. This does not mean she is trying to infringe on his privacy,” says Ruchika Jayprakash, a 22-year-old graduate, talking about her own relationship with her boyfriend. “But guys don’t understand that, which makes me doubt if they deserve all that devotion in the first place.”
But if there is a situation, it can almost always be evaded. This seems to be Mohan Kumar’s motto. The 23-year-old media professional’s girlfriend has issues with his smoking.
“Mothering or not, I can’t end a relationship just because the other person wants to take care of me. I set my own conditions in the beginning itself by letting her know that there are some things I am not willing to change about myself. And I put that across sweetly,” he says.
However, psychologist Dhananjay Gambhire believes that such a situation arises when a person is insecure and ends up projecting it in some way on the other.
“Men usually get depressed and sulk in a corner, while women talk about it. This can often come off as being overprotective or ‘mothering’, when all she is trying to do is communicate,” he says. “But if it does go overboard, make sure you tell her that it is upsetting you and set your boundaries,” he insists.
All names have been changed on request
Here’s what you can do:
Relax. Don’t burden yourself with too many problems.
Share your grief and anxiety with your partner.
Try to be calm, tolerant, not everyone can function the way you want him or her to.
Be understanding, remember she means well
Make sure you let her know that her behaviour is upsetting you
Set limits in your relationship from before itself, so that such problems don’t come up later