Motherhood can bring fear, grief and overwhelm, not just joy: Mental health expert explains the reality of matrescence

Motherhood does not always begin with joy. A mental health expert explains why new mothers need emotional support, understanding and less judgment.

For some women, motherhood does not begin with uncomplicated joy. It can begin with exhaustion, fear, grief, numbness, confusion or simply the struggle to get through each day. Prakriti Saxena Poddar, Clinically Trained Mental Health & Wellbeing Expert and Global Head at Roundglass, shared with HT Lifestyle that these emotions do not make a woman less loving or capable.

“Some mothers first meet motherhood not through joy but through simple survival. For some women, the birth of a baby brings immediate joy and connection. For others, it brings fear, exhaustion, grief, numbness, confusion, or overwhelm. None of this makes them less loving or less capable. It simply means that motherhood is not one universal emotional experience,” Prakriti said.

When the mother disappears behind the baby

While breastfeeding and infant care often dominate conversations around new motherhood, Prakriti said the emotional well-being of the mother needs equal attention. “When a baby is born, attention naturally turns toward the child. Is the baby feeding? Is the baby sleeping? Is the baby gaining weight? Is the mother producing enough milk?” she said.

“These are important questions. Yet the mother can disappear behind them. Her body becomes something to be assessed by what it can produce. Her exhaustion is expected. Her pain is normalized. Her fear may be met with reassurance before it is heard.”

According to Prakriti, asking whether the baby is thriving should go hand in hand with asking whether the mother feels emotionally safe. “We ask whether the baby is thriving. We do not always ask whether the mother feels safe inside her own mind and body,” she said.

Motherhood can evoke a myriad of emotions, from joy to overwhelm. (Photo by Bia Octavia on Unsplash)

Motherhood is a major psychological transition

The transition into motherhood, often referred to as matrescence, involves significant changes to a woman’s body, identity, relationships and sense of self. Yet, Prakriti noted, women are often inadequately prepared for what follows childbirth.

“A new mother may be recovering from surgery, birth injuries, or a difficult pregnancy. Her hormones are changing. Her sleep is repeatedly interrupted. Her body, routines, relationships, and independence may feel unfamiliar,” she said.

“At the same time, she is responsible for a newborn who depends on her entirely. This is not simply tiredness. It is a major physical, emotional, and psychological transition.”

The expectation that motherhood should automatically bring happiness can make it even harder for women to acknowledge difficult emotions. “A woman may love her baby and still feel deeply frightened. She may be grateful and still grieve the life she had before. She may feel connected one day and emotionally distant the next,” Prakriti said.

“These feelings are not evidence of failure. They are evidence of a human nervous system adjusting to enormous change.”

New mothers need psychological safety

Prakriti stressed that mothers need more than advice during this transition. “They need to be able to say, ‘I am not coping,’ ‘I do not feel like myself,’ ‘I am frightened,’ or ‘I love my baby, but I am finding motherhood difficult,’ without being judged, corrected, or told to look at the positive side,” she said.

She added that people often rush to reassure new mothers instead of listening to them. “We say that this phase will pass, that all mothers struggle, or that a mother should enjoy every moment. These responses may be well intentioned, but they can suggest that her real feelings are unwelcome.”

Prakriti emphasizes that motherhood encompasses complex emotions beyond breastfeeding. (Freepik)

Breastfeeding should not define a mother

Prakriti also emphasized that breastfeeding is only one part of the larger conversation around motherhood. “It can be meaningful, but it can also be painful, difficult, or impossible. Feeding choices should not become a measure of maternal love or character,” she said.

Instead, supporting a new mother should begin with asking about her well-being with the same seriousness given to the baby. “How are you feeling? Are you sleeping? Do you feel anxious or overwhelmed? What would make today easier?” Prakriti suggested asking.

Support does not always have to be complicated. It could mean providing a meal, giving a mother an hour of uninterrupted sleep, helping with household responsibilities or simply listening without judgment.

“A healthy baby does not automatically mean a healthy mother,” Prakriti said. “A mother should not have to perform happiness to be considered a good mother.”

Ultimately, she said, the measure of a supportive culture should extend beyond whether the baby is feeding, sleeping or gaining weight. “It is whether the mother feels seen, heard, and safe enough to tell the truth about how she is doing,” Prakriti said. “We prepare women to give birth. We must become equally committed to supporting the woman who emerges afterward.”

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.