Restoring dignity in a relationship: With Love by Simran Mangharam

Snap judgements can erode even a great bond. Don’t leave belittlement, undue criticism or false accusations unaddressed.

Married at a young age and subsequently divorced, Sanya, 37, had never been on a date until she started her coaching sessions with me. On her first virtual date, though she had a good time overall, she could not get over the feeling that she had been unfairly stereotyped.

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The date said to her, at one point, “Oh, it seems like you put your career above all else. Your personal relationships will always be compromised.” This upset her. But I was not surprised. This is what frequently passes for first-date conversation in our country. We are yet to evolve to the point where the first date is not confused with the traditional “rishta” or “meeting of the boy and girl”.

With the rishta, conversation is designed to determine whether both sides will fulfil their traditional roles, with much of the onus on the woman. Does she fit the required mould and will she put family first? A first date, meanwhile, is meant to be light and friendly. Ideally, two strangers engaging in playful banter that is positive and fun.

Perhaps Sanya’s date could have listened on Date 1, and framed his concerns as gentle questions, or kept them for a later date. After all, who’s to say she’d want to meet him again, and if she didn’t (or he didn’t), why try and plumb the depths of her motivations and commitment? That’s not what first dates are for.

This isn’t just a dating-stage problem. Snap judgements are made and can hurt through the life cycle of a relationship. Raj is perhaps one of the most supportive husbands I know of. Yet, after 12 years in a great marriage, his wife accused him of isolating her from her friends and relatives. When I got a call from them, Raj seemed crestfallen; his wife was sobbing.

We worked through the comment she had made only to establish that most of these friends and relatives had fallen out of her circle due to various circumstances that had nothing to do with Raj. Intuitively, she knew that. But had Raj not stood his ground when she made her accusation, this unqualified accusation could have become a belief in his wife’s head. It might have caused cracks in their relationship if they hadn’t taken the initiative to sort it out.

Maintaining one’s dignity, whether on a date or in a relationship, is one of those fundamentals that ought to be instinctive and, if it isn’t, must be learnt.

Having yourself typecast, being repeatedly accused of something awful that you didn’t do, being belittled whether privately or (in some ways, even worse) in front of family or friends are all in the realm of corroding one’s dignity.

This is one of those tensions that will surface in any relationship from time to time. It is important to learn how to handle it, quickly, so that order can be restored and one can move on with grace. Left unaddressed, it can become a festering wound that can sicken even a great relationship.

If you are unable to gather your wits and address such comments while the conversation is happening, make sure you bring it up with your partner or date once you have gathered your thoughts. Since Sanya’s was a first date, I suggested she handle the situation with humour and perhaps mild sarcasm. Or she could be politely vocal about the fact she did not like being typecast, especially by someone who didn’t know her at all.

With Raj and his wife, we analysed the allegation somewhat scientifically, making a list of friends and family she had lost touch with and noting down precisely why this had happened in each case. It took 15 minutes for both to get clarity — for her, that it was not Raj’s fault; for him, that his wife was hurting and he needed to be empathetic, while responding accurately to the accusation.

The good part about restoring dignity is that you can move on and even forget about the incident. What could have become a festering wound is instead just a pinprick.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)