Study shows that staying friends with ex-partners might hide darker, more psychopathic motives

Not every ex is worth staying friends with, and after a cordial breakup, it’s worth pausing to consider whether their intentions are truly genuine.

Let’s face it - most breakups don’t end with coffee dates and casual check-ins. Yet, some people seem to effortlessly stay friends with their exes. While that might sound mature or emotionally evolved, research suggests there could be deeper - and darker - motivations at play.

Cordial breakups often lead to lasting bonds with ex-partners, but the motives are not always innocent. (Pexel)

A study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences by psychologists Justin K. Mogilski and Lisa L.M. Welling from Oakland University examined the personalities of 861 participants to understand why some individuals stay in touch with former partners through two studies - one concerning 348 candidates who were asked to nominate reasons for why they might remain friends with an ex-partner; and the other concerning 513 candidates, who were then asked to rate the importance of their reasons for staying in touch with ex-partners. Their findings link certain personality traits - particularly those associated with the “dark triad” (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy) - with a higher likelihood of maintaining friendships after a breakup.

What the research found

The study identified seven major reasons people stay friends with their exes - reliability/sentimentality, pragmatism (like “They had a lot of money”), continued romantic attraction, children and shared resources, continued romantic attraction, diminished romantic attraction (like “I lost sexual interest”), social relationship maintenance, and sexual access. These reasons range from relatively harmless sentimentality or shared responsibilities, to more self-serving motives like gaining practical benefits and maintaining sexual access.

In addition to the two studies concerning reasons and importance of maintaining touch with exes, the candidates were also assessed for dark personality traits including narcissism, Machiavellianism, antagonism and psychopathy. While most participants valued reliability and sentimentality - traits like trust and emotional support - those who scored higher on darker personality traits were more likely to cite pragmatic or manipulative reasons. Individuals with stronger psychopathic or antagonistic tendencies tended to maintain post-relationship friendships to keep access to desirable resources such as money, sex, social connections, or information. The study also found men were slightly more likely than women to rate these practical or sexual motivations as important.

Individuals ranking higher in psychopathic tendencies are more likely to stay friends with ex-partners due to self-serving reasons. (Unsplash)

What does this mean?

Psychopathy, which falls within the spectrum of antisocial personality traits, often involves superficial charm and strategic thinking. This means that when someone insists on staying “friends” after a breakup, it might not always be about emotional maturity or unresolved feelings - but about keeping options, which are often self-serving, open. So the next time an ex wants to “stay friends,” it might be worth asking: Is it genuine affection, or something a little more calculated?

Ultimately, the research reminds us that relationships - even after they end - can be more complex than they appear. While staying friends with an ex can stem from genuine care or shared history, it can also mask less altruistic motives. Understanding these psychological nuances doesn’t mean every friendly ex has hidden intentions, but it does shed light on how personality shapes the ways we navigate love, loss and connection.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.