Still waiting for an apology from your ex? Clinical psychologist shares 4 ways to find closure without hearing ‘sorry’

Seeking closure after a breakup should not rely on an apology. Understanding one's emotions, setting boundaries, and seeking professional help if needed.

When the relationship ends on an unresolved note, with no open dialogue, especially when your partner owes you an apology, as you walk away, there is a compulsive urge to keep waiting to see if they regret it and feel guilty enough to say sorry. The word ‘sorry’ may be overrated, but sometimes a simple apology is enough to placate you and soothe your grief and ease your baggage, that maybe you too mattered. This expectation then drives you towards checking your phone or cherry-picking the good moments and conversations, keeping your fingers crossed that they understand someday how their actions affected you.

But what if the expected apology never comes? Does that mean your closure has to stall? Wanting accountability is understandable, but your healing journey should not have to depend on your ex's willingness to offer it. A painful breakup, especially one that did not end on an amicable note, can take a heavy toll on your mental health, and waiting indefinitely for an apology may prolong your distress. Finding your own sense of closure is what you require to move forward.

What does closure look like from a mental health perspective, and how can you begin to find it? We asked a professional who clarified this common relationship doubt. Pooja Kulkarni, clinical psychologist at Maarga Mind Care in Bangalore, weighed in on accountability after a relationship ends and shared practical steps you can take to find your own sense of closure without hearing ‘sorry.’

Why do so many people still await an apology after a relationship ends?

Don't be glued to your phone in anticipation of an accountability that will never come. (Picture credit: Freepik)

What exactly is in an apology? To those outside the relationship, it may seem trivial, but to the person in it, it means so much more. The psychologist described the meaning behind the anticipation of an apology: "An apology is the missing link when a relationship fails. It might be necessary to know there will be some acknowledgment of the pain, an explanation of what happened, or even the importance of that experience.”

In simple words, it is a sense of validation that the relationship mattered to the other person too. But Pooja also argued that one needs to dispel the belief that closure needs to come from that one ‘last discussion’ with an ex.

An apology also acts as a temporary comforting buffer as one undergoes painful emotions after a breakup. Pooja noted that this period can invoke feelings of sadness, reminiscing about the past, experiencing loneliness, and causing a disruption in one's daily routine.

But the expert asserted again that accountability is not enough to guarantee an emotional recovery.

4 ways to move towards closure without waiting for an apology

Writing unsent letters to ex helps! (Picture credit: Freepik)

Here are some effective ways the clinical psychologist recommended to move towards closure without waiting for an apology:

1. End the need for an apology before moving toward healing

• Recognise that whether your ex apologises or not is beyond your control.
• Waiting for an apology can keep you focused on a conversation that may never happen.
• Begin healing by acknowledging what hurt you and why.
• Healing does not mean you have to forgive their actions.
• Separate their responsibility to acknowledge the hurt from your ability to heal.
• The absence of apology does not erase what happened or invalidate your pain.

2. Put unanswered thoughts on paper

• A letter is an instrument that helps to create personal space in order to organize your thoughts.
• An unsent letter can express anger, disappointment, questions that have not been answered, and other issues that could not be voiced.
• Not necessary for the letter to be sent. The main aim of the letter is to structure your emotions and thoughts that keep coming back.

3. Look at the relationship as a whole

• Memories can be selective after a breakup; you may replay the last fight or remember only the good times.
• View the relationship as a whole to gain a more balanced perspective.
• Acknowledge what went right, what went wrong, and where boundaries were crossed.
• Identify patterns you do not want to repeat in future relationships.

4. Rebuild everyday routines

• Relationships become a part of daily life through regular communication, shared plans, and familiar rituals.
• After a breakup, these everyday routines can feel disrupted.
• Re-establish regular sleeping, eating, exercise, work, and socialising habits to restore a sense of stability.
• Spend time with people to lessen the feeling of loneliness.
• Pay attention to rebuilding routine, especially if emotional problems start to affect your sleep, appetite, attention, and productivity.

How do you know you need professional help?

Some sadness after a breakup is normal, but if it persists or becomes tough to manage, professional support may be needed. Pooja shared the signs to watch for: "Disturbed sleep patterns, intense anxiety, long-lasting feelings of hopelessness, inability to cope with one’s day-to-day activities, or suicidal ideation need medical intervention.”

In the end, it is vital to understand that closure is not just about ending communication. It is about understanding your communication style, emotions, and boundaries.

What does professional help look like? She said, “A psychiatrist can help identify if there are serious enough emotional/psychiatric symptoms to warrant treatment. Relationship counseling will assist in exploring attachment, communication issues, boundaries, and repetitive patterns within relationships.”

Closure does not necessarily involve the phrase ‘I am sorry’, Closure could be achieved by knowing the situation, by accepting the changes, by creating boundaries, and moving on with life after the relationship. An apology could serve as recognition, but emotional healing can occur without it.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.